As I approach the anniversary of my quarantine situation, I can confidently say I have grown so much since then. Before March 2020, I was existing. I used my flat (apartment) only as a place for physical rest, and I intentionally kept myself busy, so I wouldn’t have to any introspection. I prided myself on perfecting a system of self-denial and the illusion of holistic success.
After the date was announced and quarantine/lockdown began, everything changed. I said for the worse during the experience, but retrospectively, I can say it was the best thing that happened. I was only allowed to go out for food and work; my village was small, and I lived alone, so I didn’t have much excitement lined up. Normally, when I felt sad, I would take a trip to distract myself, now all I had was my flat. The rooms felt so constricting; all I could feel was my issues waiting to be addressed.
I avoided the interaction for as long as possible, but as time went on, it became overwhelming, and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. The final straw was when I blacked out when I came home from work. I never knew why it happened, but I believe it was from the build-up of stress.
I decided to speak with a counsellor; free access obtained from my school. The experience felt uncomfortable because growing up in the Caribbean, we were taught to keep it bottled up and only release it during prayers. That belief system didn’t sit well with me, but I was scared to try something new, hence, why I avoided the topic for so long. It was an eye-opening experience; I learnt so much about myself regarding my triggers, weaknesses and strengths.
This encounter made me appreciate the journey of knowing myself. I no longer viewed tackling my traumas as a burden, and I was eager to grow from the lessons I learnt. As time progressed, I felt a true belonging within the universe and committed to finding my purpose even if it meant being uncomfortable.
There are days when it’s a struggle as I remind myself of my past life. But within that same breath, I focus on all my accomplishment and repeat my mantras seventeen times to give me the push I need even though it is a centimetre. The 1:17 theory came about when I read somewhere that a person believes something negative about themselves after hearing it once but believes something positive after hearing it seventeen times.
The entire process is holistically draining, but it is worth gaining clarity about your purpose. I wish you the best on your journey and get to the point where you are constantly thriving.
“Blogfessions of a Nomadic Spirit is written by Dara Lorianne. She is a scientist with a passion for writing blogs and poetry to bring awareness to mental health within the Caribbean and Caribbean diaspora.”