My First Time

Photo by Eternal Happiness

I remember the details like it happened yesterday even though it happened over ten years ago. It’s crazy how we remember these events in such detail; I didn’t think about it in a while then all of a sudden the memory came centre stage.

I decided to leave about two hours earlier than I usually would for my graduation practice. I had to travel for an hour to get to school, so I thought it was best to beat the rush hour. When I entered the bus, it was empty, but as I got closer to my destination, the bus became full. I started feeling uncomfortable being on a crowded bus. This was a new feeling for me; I’m not sure if it was the addition of the speed, but I took in strides and bared through it.

While distracting myself, I realised that the window wasn’t open. I figured that this feeling came about from the lack of breeze. I always preferred to feel the wind on my face when travelling long distances to relax me. When I tried to open the window, I couldn’t. I tried again, and I fail. I tried one last time, and I just couldn’t budge the window. At this point, I started experiencing so much; dizzy, hot, hyperventilating, discomfort, chills.

I couldn’t control myself as the tears started running down my face while it became hard to breathe. The person next to me tried to calm me down, but my focus was on opening that window. All I could think about was why couldn’t I open the window? Other joined in to help, and the bus stopped to assess the situation thoroughly. The bus conductor told me the window couldn’t open and that calmed me just a bit, but this had open the gate to let whatever this thing out. The driver decided to continue this journey, but to get me to the hospital. When we got closer to the hospital, the driver informed as passing police about my case, and they drove me to the hospital.

I waited in the emergency room for the nurse. I was so cold; tears streamed down my face. I felt I was a visitor to this reality. I couldn’t understand this feeling, and I was genuinely scared. I didn’t know how long I waited but being in a trance calmed me. The nurse asked me the regular questions and all the answers were negative.

Then she asked about the events happening in my life. I told her about my grandmother transitioning, and it was the first time I experienced death so intimately. I told her about my graduation and the pursuit of a job. After I told her the major events, she told me I was overwhelmed and had a panic attack.

I was stunned; I never heard the term, let alone know someone who experienced it. Even if there were people who suffer from anxiety attacks, I can’t say as it wasn’t openly discussed. It would be nice to talk to someone with experience, but going around asking questions wouldn’t get me answers.

Here at 18, the beginning stage of adulthood, I now face this dilemma. I am figuring out how I would deal with this in my life. Now that I know it exists, I have to take the time to figure out my triggers and what I can do to reduce the effects.

Beatus Manifestationes,
Nomadic Free Spirit

Affirmation Monday 18052020

I made it a goal to learn something new every day, and I have committed to continuing this goal. I had learned things that brought me joy, sadness, disgust, bewilderment; so many emotions I discovered when I took the step to leave my comfort zone. I always hear that ignorance is bliss, but I always say that it is dangerous. How is it blissful to not feed your mind and continue living without the knowledge that is produced daily for us. The world is rapidly growing, how can people not want to be apart of that community. It is not wrong to learn; you were designed to function that way. There is a shift from learning for physical survival to mental survival. Take the time to acquire a new piece of information to grow your mind; you’ll be glad you did.

Beatus Manifestationes,
Nomadic Free Spirit

Affirmation Monday 20042020

It’s time to start focusing on your definition of success rather than “the definition” of success. No two person’s journey is the same, therefore comparing yourself to others won’t help you grow as a person. The only comparison that is allowed is the one with your prior and present versions.

Celebrate all the mini wins along the way to that big goal. It is possible to be your best self and keep the consistency that comes with levelling up. There may be times where you don’t receive a favourable outcome, i.e. “failing”, but learning from the situation facilitates growth. Please, don’t be hard on yourself. You are successful; it you don’t believe it, ask your friends to remind you.

Hope you have a great week and remember to let go of the things that no longer serve your purpose.

Beatus Manifestationes,
Nomadic Free Spirit

End of Year Address (Part 2)

…In Grenada, I reconnected with my father, got the chance to do some significant reflections; which made me learn a lot more about myself, and I finally decided what I wanted to do career wise. After returning from Grenada, I started looking at masters or PhD programmes. I found this school and I knew that it was the school for me (its logo was an owl, I’ll expand in a later post), and coincidently I found a job in analytical chemistry that was 10mins away from where I lived. I applied to both, and I got accepted. Starting school was a bit more complicated as it was impossible to self-fund, but at the 11.9999th hour, things worked out, and I was able to start. During my panic mode for my masters, I started this blog!

I was scared to leave my job but was excited to start this new journey; when I started, it felt like the right decision, and I would be challenged. School felt the same way as well; however, I had a mass panic attack because I had a moment of doubt in myself. Lucky, I spoke to persons, and I felt better about the situation. This made me vow to be consistent with my assignments and review weekly; I stuck to my promise and did great in the first term(kudos to me)! Being at the school also allowed me the opportunity to partake in a workshop geared to helping persons with business ideas (for free).

During this year:

  • I’ve met some fantastic people who called me out for enabling some shit;
  • I realised that I should be around people/things that brought me joy. As a result, some interactions ended as quickly as it started;
  • I realised that Christmas isn’t my thing so for upcoming years I would prefer to volunteer somewhere than getting fat during a meal;
  • I will make more time for the people that are important to me;
  • I’m way too talented to settle for any mediocrity in any aspect of my life.

The year brought about a shift from desiring the things I wanted most in my life to receiving them and made me proud to be my quirky self. I was brave enough to accomplish a lot and committed enough to keep working to maintain that standard. I am ready for what 2020 has to offer, and I am genuinely prepared to accept the greatness I am meant to accomplish.

PxF,
NMW

The Art of Calling Out!

Asking for a friend:
How far do you go when calling someone out? What do you say? How would you deliver the call-out? Who would you call-out?

I vividly remember my first call-out, it was purely reflex, and I was surprised I did it. When I was 12, I decided to try out for the school’s netball team (got cut after a week). One day, we were queuing up, and one of the older girls said something negative with regards to a male teacher. I turned around and said, ‘why don’t you mind your own business.’ and she said, ‘catch you falling self*.’

I said nothing after that, but I was thinking about whether if it was my place to say something. From that moment, I stayed away from saying anything unless there was some verbal confirmation to do otherwise. I usually have full authority to go out on my friends, but I know it’s reciprocated. Sometimes I don’t say anything cause we all stubborn together and my words would be wasted. However, that goes out the window when it’s time to say I told you so.

I love it when people call me out: professional or otherwise. I appreciate knowing that people care enough to correct me when I’ve done something I shouldn’t be doing. I’m a firm believer that “ignorance is NOT bliss, it dangerous,” so I’m ready to learn. However, I don’t like it when someone feels the need to belittle me in their call-out.

In a professional setting; it would include shouting, using inappropriate work language, throwing me under the bus. In an intimate environment: shouting!! However, if we are close, I would allow those things if I did something stupid.

I’m all about growing from my mistakes, so I don’t mind anyone correcting me (as long as they’re respectful). I have my reservations when it comes to calling people out because they may not be as open-minded and might curse me out!

*mind your funky business

Pax et Felicitatem,
Nomadic Mind Wanderer