My First Time

Photo by Eternal Happiness

I remember the details like it happened yesterday even though it happened over ten years ago. It’s crazy how we remember these events in such detail; I didn’t think about it in a while then all of a sudden the memory came centre stage.

I decided to leave about two hours earlier than I usually would for my graduation practice. I had to travel for an hour to get to school, so I thought it was best to beat the rush hour. When I entered the bus, it was empty, but as I got closer to my destination, the bus became full. I started feeling uncomfortable being on a crowded bus. This was a new feeling for me; I’m not sure if it was the addition of the speed, but I took in strides and bared through it.

While distracting myself, I realised that the window wasn’t open. I figured that this feeling came about from the lack of breeze. I always preferred to feel the wind on my face when travelling long distances to relax me. When I tried to open the window, I couldn’t. I tried again, and I fail. I tried one last time, and I just couldn’t budge the window. At this point, I started experiencing so much; dizzy, hot, hyperventilating, discomfort, chills.

I couldn’t control myself as the tears started running down my face while it became hard to breathe. The person next to me tried to calm me down, but my focus was on opening that window. All I could think about was why couldn’t I open the window? Other joined in to help, and the bus stopped to assess the situation thoroughly. The bus conductor told me the window couldn’t open and that calmed me just a bit, but this had open the gate to let whatever this thing out. The driver decided to continue this journey, but to get me to the hospital. When we got closer to the hospital, the driver informed as passing police about my case, and they drove me to the hospital.

I waited in the emergency room for the nurse. I was so cold; tears streamed down my face. I felt I was a visitor to this reality. I couldn’t understand this feeling, and I was genuinely scared. I didn’t know how long I waited but being in a trance calmed me. The nurse asked me the regular questions and all the answers were negative.

Then she asked about the events happening in my life. I told her about my grandmother transitioning, and it was the first time I experienced death so intimately. I told her about my graduation and the pursuit of a job. After I told her the major events, she told me I was overwhelmed and had a panic attack.

I was stunned; I never heard the term, let alone know someone who experienced it. Even if there were people who suffer from anxiety attacks, I can’t say as it wasn’t openly discussed. It would be nice to talk to someone with experience, but going around asking questions wouldn’t get me answers.

Here at 18, the beginning stage of adulthood, I now face this dilemma. I am figuring out how I would deal with this in my life. Now that I know it exists, I have to take the time to figure out my triggers and what I can do to reduce the effects.

Beatus Manifestationes,
Nomadic Free Spirit

Affirmation Monday 27042020

I was on IG, and I saw this post which said the following:

This post was a reminder of all the beautiful things I currently have in my life; I am healthy and happy. I have friends and family that I can count on no matter the circumstance. I have a job, a home, I can be creative, and spread joy. I have been surrounded by so many opportunities to improve myself. Every morning I go through my blessings, and I notice the list grows each week. I am fortunate to exist in a space where I don’t have to worry about basic needs and can move and speak freely. There are many things I’m unsure about in life but being blessed isn’t one of those things.

Beatus Manifestationes,
Nomadic Free Spirit

Time for Change

Is life making you busy or you are using LIFE as an excuse not to do the things you need to do?

I made an effort to start this blog, and I was consistent with semi-regular postings. When things became a bit more demanding but still manageable, I rode that busy train to the point where I didn’t post anything for two weeks. I did, however, find time to scroll through Instagram in the name of clearing my head. I was allowing this sluggish nature to get the best of me; it’s fun to stay in bed sleeping and scrolling through social media, but I needed to do right by myself and develop.

It may be hard to believe, but you are meant for something more than mediocrity. Scrolling through social media, watching others impact change is more than what you were put on the earth to do. If you think you have no idea what you are meant to do in this life, you are wrong. You know it, it’s been hovering around you since the beginning. It’s time to focus your energy on letting this become apparent to you. Now is the perfect time to do it because you are at home and streaming tv is becoming a bit tired. If you are like me and avoided connecting with yourself because it was too hard, take a chance on yourself.

Start small; find out things about yourself by challenging your thinking. One thing I started doing was writing challenges. The complexity of these challenges pulled me out of my comfort zone and made me ok with being vulnerable.

During this time of isolation, learn more about yourself to resume the growth process. You are fantastic and complex; it’s time to unlock that door to find out your potential.

Beatus Manifestationes,
Nomadic Free Spirit🦋🦉

The Job Experience…(cont’d)

Example 4:

“Growing up, I wasn’t dreaming about the traditional life goals of getting married and having children. I did see myself as a forensic pathologist and have dog babies. However, lately, it seems as if my career goals are against me. I never wanted to end up here, but I had no choice to accept this job, and now I feel stuck. I remember being in the last year of my undergraduate program I got selected for this prestigious internship. I was so excited, but that was short-lived. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I lost the opportunity. Ironically, this happened around thanksgiving. How could I be thankful when I felt like a failure, this hurt more than any relationship I encountered. My one goal in life, shattered, I’m not sure what I can do from here.”

Example 5:

“I got the opportunity to come to another country to study. It was a dream to pursue my degree of choice. Moving here was great, but there were lots of things to adjust, coming from a small island. Having people not understand my accent, so I have to speak quite slow, not being able to get my comfort foods, not being able to meet up with my friends and dealing with an extremely fast-paced place. These things were nothing in comparison to the shock of the weather. Coming when it was summer was bearable, but when it came to winter, I was unable to fathom how the sun was out, and it was so cold. I got sick quite a lot because no matter how I dressed, I still felt cold. It was indeed a shock because I didn’t know anyone, so it was school and home. I scroll through social media to get an idea of what was going on at home, but that can’t help me with my loneliness. I see all my friends celebrating milestones, and I’m not there to share in the joy.”