Down the Rabbit Hole

Photo by Filipe Delgado

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted a poem even though I am still continuing with the poetry challenge. Here is the last poem I’ve posted:
http://nmwblog.com/2020/02/04/my-poetry-challenge/

So Here goes…

Down the rabbit hole, I go, further away from my sense of normal
my sense of adventure pushes me down also, but my fear pulls me back
I’m being torn between two worlds, and it’s so confusing
I have been told that no one can serve two masters and I see that now
I want to serve the master of mystery, but I’m tethered to my fears and insecurities
I want to let go, but the temptation of normalcy intrigues me
The desire to reminisce on the simpler times distracts me from continuing
There is no reason for me to go back now as my mind has slowly metamorphosised
I will no longer be able to experience the bliss of ignorance fully
I will no longer be comfortable just existing
I’ve asked for these things and been refusing to accept them because it doesn’t follow the path I want
I need to realise that the level of confusion is bearable and I need to face the truth to obtain clarity
Now faced with the choice; do I fully immerse myself in the truth or be aware of tidbits?
I am stuck between choosing
I’m stuck between existences as my life has revolved around this theme recently
I am the only one that can decide
I have made decisions before, but somehow I’m stuck
I need to analyse all aspects so that I can continue with my life.

Beatus Manifestationes,
Nomadic Free Spirit

1 Step, (2 Steps, 3 Steps, 4)

We all have this ideology that we are not there yet. When asked the question, “why do you think this?” We go on listing things that we think we should have by a certain age — an ideology based on what was taught to us by society. We aim to reach hard this “gold standard” that we forget to enjoy the beauty of our present. These would include anything that brings you joy.

If we were to do introspection, we would realise that we have lots going on. We seem to fixate on the opinion that we are continuously deviating from the plan. If we are not strong-willed, this “deviation” can be daunting. We can be consumed with the notion that our lives are just stagnant and can act like we are in auto-pilot.

Many times I did feel this way for extended periods. It was THE WORST feeling because I couldn’t help thinking about how wrong my life is going. This made me so frustrated because I couldn’t do anything to fix it. It made me replay on all the decisions I made and classed them as regrets. I always thought about the “what-ifs.”

I always seem to feel worse after I speak to a friend or family member as they would remind me of the things I’m yet to accomplish. After the encounters, I always go into further panic, then tried to figure ways to attain these goals. This pattern had me more into my feelings and subsequently, a wreck. At this point, I was genuinely stagnant, and I was going in circles. I eventually realised that my new goal was to be happy and started working towards that…